How We Put Autistic People at Risk of Victimization
Trigger Warning: Mentions of SA
While I typically focus on writing uplifting and inspiring content related to autism, I feel compelled to address a crucial and sensitive topic that requires attention and open conversation.
Parents of autistic children often have high expectations for their kids, teaching them to adapt to a neurotypical world. While their intentions are good, this approach can have unintended consequences. In an effort to prepare their children for adulthood, parents may inadvertently perpetuate harmful expectations, prioritizing societal norms over their child's unique needs and autonomy. By prioritizing conformity over understanding, parents may inadvertently put their children at risk of victimization.
1. Prioritizing people pleasing over safety and comfort
As an autistic individual, I have been conditioned to prioritize others' comfort over my own wellbeing. This toxic expectation is a common experience among autistic children, forced to sacrifice their safety and comfort to appease others. Masking and hiding our true feelings and need to fit in has been ingrained in us, leading to a lifetime of suppressing our autonomy and boundaries.
The consequences of this people-pleasing culture are far-reaching. We are taught to disregard our personal space and physical boundaries, as seen in the expectation to hug family members despite feeling uncomfortable. This sends a dangerous message that others are entitled to touch us without consent. The pressure to be flexible and accommodating can lead to difficulties in asserting ourselves, making us vulnerable to manipulation and exploitation.
My personal experiences resonate with this narrative. In sixth grade, I was coerced into leaving a lecture to accommodate a pushy classmate, resulting in a traumatic incident of phone theft and extortion. Similarly, I have been told to suppress my natural stimming behaviors, like talking to myself, to avoid making others uncomfortable. These instances demonstrate how the emphasis on people pleasing erodes our autonomy and comfort.
The request to be more flexible, a common demand made of autistic individuals, often comes at the expense of our own needs and accommodations. (Real) I have been told to be more flexible, which is a common request made to autistic individuals. However, this request can often come at the expense of one's own needs and accommodations.
In a past experience, I had an ex-friend whose mother was not disabled. Despite our family providing her with transportation to soccer every week, she consistently refused to reciprocate when I needed a ride. This resulted in me missing soccer games. Additionally, when my mother requested her mother's assistance in providing transportation to a tea party, she refused, citing plans with her husband even though my family was taking her everywhere including school. However, it was later discovered that they had taken separate cars, making it possible for them to have provided me with a ride. Because I was expected to be more flexible, I and my family accommodated my friend’s mom without it being reciprocated.
We must prioritize autistic individuals' needs and comfort over people pleasing to create a safer and more accepting environment.
2. Ignoring our needs
The dismissal of legitimate needs and boundaries can have profound effects on individuals, particularly autistic ones. Phrases like "deal with it" or "be more flexible" can lead to the suppression of needs and prioritization of people pleasing over one's own comfort and safety. This can result in the tolerance of harmful situations, neglect of serious health issues, and long-term consequences.
Here is a hypothetical scenario, Lauren, an autistic individual, faces a daily challenge with food due to sensory issues and painful textures. Her safe haven lies in a limited menu of chicken nuggets and mac and cheese. However, her mother's insistence on expanding her palate leads to a distressing encounter.
One evening, Lauren's mother prepares chicken for dinner, but Lauren hesitates, uncomfortable with the unfamiliar texture. Despite her mother's urging, Lauren requests her trusted chicken nuggets, only to be met with a firm "no." The situation escalates as Lauren's mother demands she take a bite, dismissing her concerns as dramatic. Lauren reluctantly attempts to comply but gags and vomits. Forced to clean up the aftermath, Lauren is then coerced into consuming the chicken, ignoring her physical pain and discomfort. Her mother's insistence, fueled by a doctor's advice to wait until Lauren is hungry, leads to a week of starvation and eventual illness. This traumatic experience has a lasting impact on Lauren, causing her to neglect her own hunger and pain cues. She unknowingly ignores severe mouth pain until a dentist visit reveals 13 cavities. Lauren's story highlights the importance of understanding and accommodating sensory sensitivities in individuals with autism, rather than forcing them to push through their pain.
When people say, "Deal with it" or "Be more flexible," it can be harmful and dismissive of our legitimate needs and boundaries. This thinking teaches us to ignore our needs and push through, even when it's harmful. As a result, we may struggle to set healthy boundaries and prioritize our well-being.
I remember in elementary school, I complained about the loud cafeteria, but instead of getting accommodations, the teacher's assistant told me to "learn to deal with it." This response taught me to suppress my needs and prioritize people pleasing over my own comfort and safety. Many autistic people have been told they need to learn to get desensitized.
When we're taught to push through, we may tolerate dangerous situations or ignore serious pain and health problems, leading to long-term consequences
3. Teaching autistic kids to mask
Autistic individuals often hide their true selves to fit in, an exhausting strategy known as "masking." This people-pleasing approach, taught from a young age, prioritizes conformity over comfort, safety, and authenticity. The consequences are severe, leading to difficulties in asserting boundaries, recognizing harmful situations, and trusting one's own judgment.
The popular "whole body listening" technique, which demands rigid adherence to social scripts, exacerbates this issue. Instead of fostering genuine communication, it distracts autistic children from truly listening and focuses them on masking their behaviors. This forced conformity hinders autistic individuals from developing essential skills, making them more vulnerable to victimization.
an example of a whole body listiening poster
By prioritizing masking over understanding and acceptance, parents and caregivers inadvertently put autistic individuals in harm's way. The suppression of true feelings and needs leads to a loss of personal autonomy, causing individuals to prioritize others' expectations over their own wellbeing. This can result in dangerous situations, as they may ignore their instincts and conform to harmful demands.
Eden, an autistic individual, experiences distress and meltdowns when faced with schedule changes. Despite this, she's punished for her meltdowns, exacerbating her anxiety and discomfort. As a result, she learned to mask her meltdowns. She's often told, "You're not in elementary school anymore" or “Act your age,” but autism is a lifelong neurodevelopmental disorder, and meltdowns don't simply disappear with age. Instead, they evolve into more internalized struggles.
When Eden hides her meltdowns and copes with schedule changes, she experiences physical symptoms like stomach pain and nausea. In one instance, her distress was so intense that she vomited in class. To manage her stress, Eden starts practicing karate and eventually earns her brown belt. As she prepares for her black belt test, she faces a challenging sparring session where she gets kicked in the stomach. Despite the pain, she pushes through and passes the test. However, the pain persists, and she experiences unexplained stomach and shoulder pain similar to the pain she feels when hiding her meltdowns.
After visiting the doctor, Eden discovers that her spleen is ruptured, a severe consequence of hiding meltdowns and ignoring serious pain. The pain and discomfort from hiding her meltdowns masked the symptoms of her spleen injury, leading to a delayed diagnosis. This highlights the importance of acknowledging and addressing the physical and emotional needs of autistic individuals, rather than dismissing or hiding their meltdowns. By prioritizing Eden's well-being and providing appropriate support, we can prevent such consequences and ensure her overall health and happiness.
4. Teaching and requiring compliance
“BECAUSE I SAID SO”, “I’M THE ADULT, YOU’RE THE CHILD”, DON’T TALK BACK.” The phrase "because I said so" and similar authoritarian commands can have unintended and harmful consequences when used to teach autistic children. By prioritizing compliance over autonomy, we inadvertently put them at risk of victimization. The importance of allowing children to say "no" cannot be overstated, as it has saved me from dangerous situations in the past.
When autistic children are taught to comply without question, they become more trusting and vulnerable to manipulation. This can lead to exploitation, as they may be more likely to follow anyone who appears authoritative. Non-disabled individuals may take advantage of this vulnerability, using tricks or lures to lead them away from safety. The autistic child, having been taught to prioritize compliance, may be more likely to fall prey to these tactics. For example, Emily is at dinner with her family when her mom instructs her to hug Grandpa. Emily shows discomfort but reluctantly complies to avoid being labeled "disrespectful." Later, Grandpa lures Emily away, and Mom tells her to go with him. Unaware of the potential danger, Emily obeys, and Grandpa takes advantage of her forced obedience, touching her inappropriately.
In contrast, teaching autistic children to prioritize their own comfort, safety, and consent empowers them to make informed decisions and avoid dangerous situations. This approach fosters a culture of respect, trust, and empowerment, allowing them to develop essential skills for navigating the world safely.
It is crucial that we shift our focus from compliance to autonomy, allowing autistic children the freedom to express their boundaries and make choices about their own bodies and lives. By doing so, we can help them develop the skills and confidence necessary to protect themselves from harm and thrive in a world that often seeks to exploit their vulnerabilities. Only by prioritizing their autonomy, safety, and consent can we ensure that autistic children are equipped to navigate the world with confidence and resilience.
5. Victim blaming/gaslighting
The phrase 'Quit acting like a brat' is often used to shame autistic individuals for exhibiting traits associated with their neurodiverse condition. This kind of language can lead to autistic people being yelled at, belittled, or blamed for their own mistreatment. It's essential to recognize that autistic behaviors are not misbehaviors, and that autistic individuals deserve respect, acceptance, and support rather than shame or blame. Autistic individuals are often subjected to harmful language and mistreatment, and then blamed for being "too sensitive" or "behaving badly." This is a form of gaslighting and ableism, where autistic traits are pathologized and used as a justification for abuse.
The phrase "Quit acting like a brat. You deserved to be yelled at" epitomizes the harmful language and ableism that autistic individuals face. This phrase, and others like it, are often used to shame and belittle autistic people for exhibiting traits that are inherent to their neurodiverse condition. By doing so, autistic individuals are blamed for their own mistreatment, and their behaviors are pathologized as "misbehaviors".
However, it is essential to recognize that autistic behaviors are not misbehaviors, but rather a natural expression of neurological differences. Autistic individuals deserve respect, acceptance, and support, rather than shame or blame. The use of harmful language and ableist phrases perpetuates a cycle of gaslighting and ableism, where autistic traits are used as a justification for abuse.
The consequences of this kind of language and behavior are severe. Autistic individuals are subjected to harmful language and mistreatment, only to be blamed for being "too sensitive" or "behaving badly". This gaslighting and ableism can lead to long-lasting emotional trauma, anxiety, depression, and physical health issues from stress.
Therefore, it is crucial that we recognize and challenge harmful language and behaviors, and work to create a society that values and embraces neurodiversity. By promoting respect, acceptance, and support for autistic individuals, we can create a safer and more inclusive environment that allows them to thrive. This requires a shift in our language and behavior, from shame and blame to acceptance and support. Only then can we break down the barriers of ableism and create a society that values and celebrates autistic individuals.
6. Being held to a higher standard
Parents often have high expectations for their autistic children, wanting them to adapt to the neurotypical world. This can lead to pressure on autistic individuals to conform to societal norms. Autistic individuals, particularly girls, are held to an unreasonably high standard, expected to conform to neurotypical norms while being denied the same understanding and accommodations as their neurotypical peers. This double standard perpetuates vulnerability to blame, coercion, and punishment. This is because when a non-disabled person does something wrong, they can easily blame the autistic person and the autistic person is unable to fight back and instead, they are told to control their temper. This also makes autistic girls more vulnerable to coercion.
For example, raising your voice. When an autistic girl raises her voice it’s “DON’T TALK TO ME LIKE THAT” or “WATCH YOUR TONE.” However, when the neurotypical adult speaks in the exacts same tone to the autistic girl it’s, “You deserved it” or “it’s your fault,” or they find an excuse to excuse the neurotypical adult. This makes them more vulnerable to coercion. For autistic people especially girls, “Control your temper,” “Control your reaction,” “Throwing a tantrum,” or anything similar gets thrown around like a volleyball when a neurotypical adult throws a tantrum and loses their temper, they don’t even get reprimanded or expected to control their temper.
Parents often push their autistic children to fit into a neurotypical world, leading to pressure to conform. Contrary to assumptions, autistic children, especially girls, are held to a higher standard. This makes them vulnerable to blame and coercion. When an autistic girl asserts herself, she's reprimanded, while a neurotypical adult behaving similarly is excused. Autistic individuals, especially girls, are often told to "control their temper" or "stop throwing tantrums" while neurotypical adults are not held to the same standard.
At a volunteer position, a neurotypical adult mom falsely accused me of breaking her son's frame, leading to a schedule change for me to be sent home early that triggered a meltdown in me. Despite my struggles with unexpected changes, I was punished with a 30-day suspension and required to be accompanied by an adult thereafter. Meanwhile, the neurotypical adult who yelled and threw a tantrum, causing a greater disturbance, faced no consequences. She did not even get reprimanded. This blatant double standard expects me, a young adult with autism, to exhibit more maturity than a much older adult, three times my age. This effectively highlights the unfair treatment and double standard autistic people like me face, emphasizing the disparity in how my autistic traits and the neurotypical adult's actions were addressed (Real).
In 8th grade math class, I had a sub and there was a book fair on that day. We had mini whiteboards for the lesson and a classmate falsely accused me of writing on the whiteboard, so I asked to leave. The sub wouldn’t let me leave the classroom because she was “teaching a lesson” when she allowed my neurotypical classmate to leave to go to the book fair. In 8th grade math class, I had a sub and there was a book fair on that day. We had mini whiteboards for the lesson and a classmate falsely accused me of writing on the whiteboard, so I asked to leave. The sub wouldn’t let me leave the classroom because she was “teaching a lesson” when she allowed my neurotypical classmate to leave to go to the book fair. This incident sparked bullying from most of my classmates, singling me out unfairly. Thanks to my family that sub faced consequences and disciplinary action – a rare occurrence (Real). Thanks to my family that sub faced consequences and disciplinary action – a rare occurrence (Real).
7. Incorrect terminology
This includes nicknames for private parts and saying private parts is not enough.
Using incorrect terminology, such as nicknames for private parts or using vague terms like "private parts" without being specific, can be harmful and perpetuate stigma and shame around bodies and sexuality. Nicknames can include pee pee, wiener, butterfly, flower, and food names like cookie and hotdog. It's important to use accurate and anatomically correct terms, such as "penis", "vulva", "vagina", and "testicles", to promote respect, understanding, and consent. When a child uses correct anatomical terms to report sexual abuse, it's easier for adults to understand and take action. For instance, a child saying, "He touched my vagina" is more likely to be taken seriously than "He touched my butterfly." If a child reports abuse using vague terms like "pee pee" or "cookie," it may be unclear what they mean, potentially delaying help. Using correct terms helps ensure adults understand and respond appropriately. Using the correct names can even lead to conviction.
It's important to use accurate and anatomically correct terms when referring to body parts, especially when communicating with autistic individuals who may be more literal in their understanding of language. Using correct terminology helps promote respect, understanding, and consent.
Empowering Autistic Individuals:
Instead of merely teaching compliance, let’s focus on empowerment:
Self-Advocacy: Encourage autistic individuals to understand their needs, communicate them effectively, and seek support.
Strengths-Based Approach: Identify and nurture their unique talents and interests.
Education and Awareness: Educate society about autism to foster acceptance and reduce stigma.
Parents and caregivers can support their autistic children by:
Promoting self-awareness: Help them understand their strengths, challenges, and needs. This can empower them to advocate for themselves.
Teaching assertiveness: Encourage them to express their feelings and needs respectfully and assertively, rather than suppressing them to please others.
Fostering resilience: Equip them with coping strategies to handle difficult situations and reassure them that it’s okay to seek help when needed.
Building a supportive network: Connect them with supportive peers and mentors who can provide guidance and reassurance.
Remember, the goal is not just to help autistic children adapt to the world, but also to foster a world that understands and respects neurodiversity. It’s about creating a balance between adapting to societal norms and maintaining one’s individuality and mental well-being.
It’s important to remember that every individual, autistic or not, has unique strengths and challenges. While it’s crucial to prepare children for the world, it’s equally important to teach them self-advocacy and assertiveness. This can help them navigate situations where they might feel pressured to conform or please others at their own expense.
Creating a Culture of Acceptance: Preventing Harm Against Autistic People
Empowered Moms Empower Autistic Kids"
